OPERATION: S.L.U.T.

I just happened to be updating my supply of deadly ninja star products at a local Target where I overheard an 80 year old woman tell her grandson that he must embark upon a quest of epic proportions to continue the family tradition. It was his duty as a single nerd to create mass boring confusion in today's society. By doing this he would be granted access to the secret supply of delicious chocolate hidden in her safe and he would be given a special medal. You know one of those medals that you can show off to people at parties and they actually care to talk about it. The kind of medal that can grant you special privileges because the shininess momentarily blinds your opponent’s train of thought and ability to use common sense.

I quickly grabbed the purple and gold ninja stars and proceeded to secretly dance out of aisle twelve. I processed the information I had just heard on the miniature computer on my PEZ dispenser. I realized that I needed to muster all my courage to stop these evil villains from draining the world of fun. I grabbed some mints and left to go plot out my plan at the holiest of meeting places; Starbucks. I did not know what to do so I searched for inspiration by finishing a Sudoku puzzle, finishing a coloring book, and initiating a rap battle with the oldest person I could see. Then it hit me; I needed to become my inner superhero and protect humanity. I needed to conquer this villain of apathy, carelessness, seriousness, and bad hygiene. That was the beginning of OPERATION: S.L.U.T. (Stop Local Unreliable Talent).

I paid my grandma $20 to make me a costume and that was the birth of “NitroJen: Comedic Superhero.” I would go on patrol every night to defend the world of people who try to make us too serious. But I would have to stop patrol at 9:30pm because I had a curfew. I battled against high-school bullies, politicians, psychics, and comedians who force their funny on the audience – all in preparation for my major battle with the Grandson Nerd.

When I felt ready to battle him I lured him to The Cave of Wonders for the real showdown a la Mortal Kombat status. The first round was a match of Connect Four. He won that first round. I was weaker than I had imagined so I prayed to the almighty Will Ferrell to help me win this battle. Round Two was a race through the Temple run from Legends of the Hidden Temple. We were neck and neck and it all came down to assemble the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. I put it together in record time while he fumbled around. Now it was down to the final round – Comedy Gladiator. We had 30 minutes to do improv in front of an audience and at the end the audience will vote on who was the all around funny person. It was tough. He immediately used the pop culture card but he exhausted all his jokes at the beginning. I, on the other hand, chose to take the audience on an intellectual journey without cheap jokes. It was close, but I had defeated the Grandson Nerd!



NitroJen continues to patrol every night in hopes of completing OPERATION: S.L.U.T. to rid the world of bad comedy. (She wrote this in the third person to sound more intelligent.)